we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
