i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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