I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
