Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
