You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
