I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
