Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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