Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Randomize
