I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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