Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
