I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
