the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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