Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
