The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
