I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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