how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
