I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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