i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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