She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
