i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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