On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
