The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
