FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
