Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
