Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
