trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
