toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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