Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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