I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
