Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
