dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
