Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
