please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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