I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
