K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Randomize
