I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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