I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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