umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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