I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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