fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
