I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
