Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
