I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
