don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
