I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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