Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
