I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
