I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
