Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
