I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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