Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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