New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
